As part of his Sunday routine, Ammar Alhallak sat at his computer in Jonesboro, staring at the dark-blue Skype screen until a pixelated image of his father Nizar Alhallak appeared from Damascus, Syria, and the two immediately began chattering in Arabic.
Despite the Syrian army patrolling the streets outside his father’s house and the distant pop of gunshots, only occasionally did the conversation turn to the civil war laying waste to the country. As the stronghold of President Bashar al-Assad’s regime, Damascus, the Syrian capital, remains relatively safe, and sometimes it feels like business as usual. Yet as Alhallak looked at his father, who has the same dark eyes, dark hair and olive-colored skin, he was thankful for his father’s safety.
Unlike Damascus, several regions in Syria experience regular bombings and gunfire from government and jihadist forces. As a result, many people are trying to escape. More than 3 million Syrians have fled to neighboring countries and have been scattered across the globe, according to the United Nations High Commissioner for Refugees.
“It’s certainly sad,” Alhallak said. “It’s my country, and I feel sorry for the people there. The people are paying the price. There’s nothing we can do about it except just watch and feel bad.”
More than 4,000 people have applied for resettlement in the U.S., but the Department of State only relocated 36 Syrians in fiscal year 2013, and 105 in fiscal year 2014, said Daniel Langenkamp, a spokesman for the Bureau of Population, Refugees and Migration.
The U.S. has only taken in a small number of refugees because of operational, not political, reasons, Langenkamp said. Officials from the UNHCR did not start referring a large number of Syrians to the U.S. until mid-2014, partly causing the low number of refugees approved for resettlement, he said.
However, U.S. officials focused on providing humanitarian aid, making it the largest single donor to the crisis, providing $2.4 billion, Langenkamp said. U.S. officials hoped that providing financial aid for repatriation programs in the Middle East would make it easier for Syrians to return home after the crisis, he said. Returning home is the preferred solution for most refugees, he said.
Yet many Syrians remain unhappy with the U.S refugee policy, especially when overcrowding, unemployment and poverty are rampant in Middle Eastern refugee camps.
“Syrians always had open arms for refugees, and they accommodated them,” said Mounir Farah, a 75-year-old Syrian and professor of Middle Eastern studies at the University of Arkansas. “The sad thing is when Syrians seek help elsewhere, they are put in tents and not allowed to go into the cities to find jobs.”
Given the lengthy application review process, which usually takes between 18-24 months, many Syrians approved for resettlement in the U.S. did not arrive in 2014. However, they will begin arriving in large numbers in 2015, Langenkamp said.
With U.S. bombings that began in September against Islamic militants, many more refugees could be on their way. The bombings have killed more than 500 people as of Oct. 23, according to the Syrian Observatory for Human Rights.
For Alhallak and other Syrian nationals living in the U.S., they can only watch from afar on impersonal computer and television screens as their people are scattered.
Alhallak, 50, was born in Damascus and moved to the U.S. in 1988 to continue his training as a cardiologist. He works at the Arkansas Methodist Medical Center near his home in Jonesboro and communicates regularly with his parents and two sisters living in Damascus. Though he used to visit his relatives with his wife and four children, the war quickly put a stop to his visits.
The Syria Alhallak remembers was a country that embodied the nickname of its capital, “the pearl of the East.” In the streets of Damascus, women browsed through brightly colored headscarves at outdoor markets, and friends traded the latest gossip while eating the traditional food kibbe at open-air restaurants. Canals from the Barada River flowed through the city to jasmine-scented orchards that surrounded the capital. Tourists and residents alike looked heavenward to admire the minarets from the city’s mosques.
But the war has made life harder. Prices have skyrocketed, sending the price of a kilogram of green beans from 70 cents before the war to more than $5, Farah said. Daily routines are disrupted by security checkpoints throughout the city, and large armies patrol the streets. At night, residents wrestle with sleep over the cacophony of gunshots and exploding bombs on the city’s outskirts.
In a war that has killed 50,000 civilians, Alhallak said he worries about his family’s safety. Ongoing political instability does little to ease his fears.
“The problem is you don’t know when the war is going to end or how it’s going to end,” he said. “You have an idea of what’s going to happen, but nobody knows how long it’s going to take or the price people are going to pay.”
Alhallak has asked his family several times to move to the U.S., but they’ve always declined, choosing to stay in their homeland with their family and friends.
“It’s an emotional roller coaster, but I can’t do anything about it,” Alhallak said. “It’s been hard, especially when I hear bad news, but I call and make sure they’re OK.”
Syrians have also struggled to accept U.S. intervention in the region.
“The U.S. really needs to rethink its policy in Syria,” Farah said. “It’s incoherent and illogical. We have no business telling Syria what government they can have. There is no democracy is Syria, but there are not democracies in many Middle Eastern countries. Free elections are used as the measuring tape of whether government is good or bad, but there is a lot more to human rights than just elections.”
However, as jihadists threaten to capture more territory in Syria, increased U.S. intervention has come to the grudging relief of some.
“People hate that somebody from the outside is bombing their country, but I think U.S. involvement has to be done,” Alhallak said. “There’s no way around it. ISIS is getting stronger and stronger, and I think they’ll be a threat to the whole world.”
In August, President Barack Obama said the U.S. military would not work with the Assad regime to defeat the Islamic militants, but many Syrians, like Farah, view this as an egregious mistake. If U.S. officials cooperated with Assad, they would receive help defeating the Islamic State while also preventing further destruction of Syria by the regime, Farah said.
“You work with the bad to defeat the worst,” he said. “We can’t defeat ISIS from the air, but we don’t want to send troops, so the only real reliable force is the Syrian army.”
Though many Syrians are at odds over how to end the war, defeat the extremists and maintain order, the majority share a sense of war weariness and a longing for peace.
“At this point we don’t care who wins,” Alhallak said. “We just want someone to control the country who will give the people a little bit of freedom. They want to go back to their homes.”
Jaime Dunaway 
JONESBORO—DID YOU GO TO JONESBORO TO REPORT THIS STORY? CAN ONLY USE A DATELINE IF YOU WERE PHYSICALLY THERE Ammar Alhallak sat at his computer staring at the dark-blue Skype screen until a pixelated image of his father appeared from Damascus, Syria, and the two immediately began chattering in Arabic. WHEN? NEEDS DATE.
WHO IS ASKING THIS? WHAT IS THE ANSWER? “How are the kids?”
THIS ISN’T A CONVERSATION. IF YOU DON’T HAVE ANSWERS I’D JUST KILL THIS PART, OR SUMMARIZE WHAT THEY TALKED ABOUT
“How’s work?”
“What have you done this week?”
Despite the Syrian army patrolling the streets outside his father’s house and the distant pop of gunshots, only occasionally did the conversation turn to the civil war laying waste to the country. As the stronghold of President Bashar al-Assad’s regime, Damascus, the Syrian capital, remains relatively safe, and sometimes it feels like business as usual. But as Alhallak looked at his father, who has the same dark eyes, dark hair and olive-colored skin, he couldn’t help but be thankful for his safety.
More than 3 million Syrians have fled to neighboring countries and have been scattered across the globe, according to the United Nations High Commissioner for Refugees. But others, like Alhallak’s relatives, are sticking it out in their cities and clinging to their homeland and way of life. NOT SURE THIS IS THE ANGLE TO GO WITH. YOU WOULD NEED TO BE IN SYRIA TO WRITE ABOUT THAT. THIS STORY SHOULD FOCUS ON WHAT YOU CAN SEE IN ARKANSAS
“If something happened, people want to die there, to stay in their homes and be with their friends,” Alhallak said.
However, many Syrians are trying to escape.
More than 4,000 people have applied for resettlement in the U.S., but the Department of State only relocated 36 Syrians in fiscal year 2013, and 105 in fiscal year 2014, said Daniel Langenkamp, a spokesman for the Bureau of Population, Refugees and Migration. GOOD. NOW TELL US WHY.
And with U.S. bombings that began in September against Islamic militants, many more refugees could be on their way. The bombings have killed more than 500 people as of Thursday GIVE DATE, according to the Syrian Observatory for Human Rights. GOOD
Officials from the UNHCR did not start referring a large number of Syrians to the U.S. until mid-2014, partly causing the low number of refugees approved for resettlement, Langenkamp said.
Given the lengthy review process, which usually takes between 18-24 months, many Syrians approved for resettlement did not arrive in 2014. However, they will begin arriving in large numbers in 2015, he said.
For Alhallak and other Syrian nationals living in the U.S., they can only watch from afar on impersonal computer and television screens as their people are scattered.
“It’s certainly sad,” Alhallak said. “It’s my country, and I feel sorry for the people there. The people are paying the price. There’s nothing we can do about it except just watch and feel bad.”
Alhallak, 50, was born in Damascus and moved to the U.S. in 1988 to continue his training as a cardiologist. He works at the Arkansas Methodist Medical Center near his home in Jonesboro GOOD FIND and communicates regularly with his father and two sisters living in Damascus. Though he used to visit his relatives with his wife and four children, the war quickly put a stop to his trips home.
The Syria Alhallak remembers was a country that embodied the nickname of its capital, “the pearl of the East.” In the streets of Damascus, women browsed through brightly colored headscarves at outdoor markets, and friends traded the latest gossip while eating the traditional food kibbe at open-air restaurants.
Canals from the Barada River flowed through the city to jasmine-scented orchards that surrounded the capital. Tourists and residents alike looked heavenward to admire the minarets from the city’s mosques.
Yet the vibrant marketplaces and thriving tourism industry only masked the regime’s oppression. As late as the 1990s, the government prohibited families from owning a fax machine or satellite television, said Mounir Farah, a 75-year-old Syrian and professor of Middle Eastern studies at the University of Arkansas. I THINK THE ANGLE OF THE STORY NEEDS TO FOCUS ON SYRIANS IN ARKANSAS WATCHING THE TERROR FROM HOME AND STRUGGLING TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT,OR FAILING TO. LIKE, TRYING TO BRING FAMILY MEMBERS TO THE UNITED STATES.
“It’s a socialist country, and you don’t find things easy,” Alhallak said. “You don’t take things for granted like water, electricity, gas and all the simple things.”
And the war has only made life more difficult. Prices have skyrocketed, sending the price of a kilogram of green beans from 70 cents before the war to more than $5, Farah said. Daily routines are disrupted by security checkpoints throughout the city, and large armies patrol the streets.
The green belts around the city have turned to concrete and asphalt. Drivers must zigzag through streets to avoid blockades, and exhaust and gun smoke cloud the minarets and cause a dull gray to settle over the once-vibrant city. At night, residents wrestle with sleep over the cacophony of gunshots and exploding bombs on the city’s outskirts.
In a war that has killed 50,000 civilians, people have turned elsewhere for safety.
In 2013, more than 2 million refugees inundated neighboring countries, such as Jordan, Turkey and Lebanon, causing overcrowding, increased unemployment, poverty and political instability. On Oct. 20, Lebanon’s Al-Akhbar newspaper reported that officials informed the UNHCR that they could no longer receive displaced Syrians.
“Syria accepted refugees from Armenia, and they were all welcomed and given citizenship,” Farah said. “Syrians always had open arms for them, and they accommodated them. The sad thing is when Syrians seek help elsewhere, they are put in tents and not allowed to go into the cities to find jobs.”
Instead of concentrating on resettlement, U.S. officials focused on providing humanitarian aid, making it the largest single donor to the crisis, providing $2.4 billion, Langenkamp said. WE NEED SOME EXPERT ON THE CRISIS TO TALK ABOUT WHY THE US DIDN’T DO MORE TO OFFER REFUGEE STATUS
However, as jihadists threaten to capture more territory in Syria, U.S. intervention in the region has increased, to the grudging relief of some.
“I think U.S. involvement has to be done,” Alhallak said. “There’s no way around it. ISIS is getting stronger and stronger, and I think they’ll be a threat to the whole world.”
While the world’s attention has been focused on defeating the Islamic State, Assad strengthened his hold on power by organizing more than 200 air strikes against the rebels in a three-day span starting Oct. 19, according to the Syrian Observatory for Human Rights.
“The U.S. really needs to rethink its policy in Syria,” Farah said. “It’s incoherent and illogical. We have no business telling Syria what government they can have. There is no democracy is Syria, but there are not democracies in many Middle Eastern countries. Free elections are used as the measuring tape of whether government is good or bad, but there is a lot more to human rights than just elections.”
If U.S. officials cooperated with Assad, they would receive help defeating the Islamic State while also preventing further destruction of Syria by the regime, Farah said.
“You work with the bad to defeat the worst,” he said. “We can’t defeat ISIS from the air, but we don’t want to send troops, so the only real reliable force is the Syrian army.”
Though many Syrians are at odds over how to end the war, defeat the extremists and maintain order, the majority share a sense of war weariness and a longing for peace.
“At this point we don’t care who wins,” Alhallak said. “We just want someone to control the country who will give the people a little bit of freedom. They want to go back to their homes.”
THERE IS SOME VERY GOOD REPORTING HERE, AND THE WRITING IS CLEAN. BUT THE STORY LACKS FOCUS AND TRIES TO PROVIDE AN OVERVIEW OF THE SYRIAN WAR BUT FROM A LOCAL ANGLE. THAT’S JUST NOT POSSIBLE TO DO WELL. RE-FOCUS THE STORY ON WHAT’S POSSIBLE AND LOGICAL FROM ARKANSAS. I SUGGEST FOCUSSING MORE ON SYRIANS IN ARKANSAS AND HOW THEY’RE COPING WITH THE WAR AND HOW IT AFFECTS THEIR FAMILIES HERE AND BACK HOME. WHAT EFFORTS HAVE THEY MADE TO BRING THEIR FAMILIES HERE? HAVE ANY BEEN KILLED? WHY IS THE U.S. BEING SO STINGY WITH REFUGEE STATUS? EXPLORE MORE HOW SYRIANS HERE GET THEIR NEWS, WHAT THEY’RE THINKING ABOUT THE WAR AND THE ROLE OF THE U.S. DO MANY OF THEM JUST WANT IT OVER? EVEN IF THAT MEANS ASSAD STAYS IN POWER? ETC.
I LOOK FORWARD TO YOUR REVISION.
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Good job Jaime! I like the way you keep your sentences short and direct. Also, you did a very good job at maintaing a tone of seriousness throughout. Your writing is very beautiful and descriptive. Your wording always surprises me with its creative simplicity. When I say simplicity, I mean it in a very good way. It reminds me of what we learned from Orwell’s essay. Keep up the good work!
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Jaime, this is a great story! It was a bit newsy at the top, but one you got past the nut graf and started recounting Alhallack’s memories of Damascus, the feature element started coming through. Your story explained the problem in Syria well so that someone who wasn’t following the conflict in the news could understand what was going on. Right now, your story reads like you were actually reporting in Syria, so I’d be sure to explain who the anecdotal details come from. Otherwise, great job! It was a pleasure to read.
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Great revision, Jaime! I think you cleaned the perspective on the scenes nicely. I could tell where all of the anecdotal information about Damascus was coming from. I loved the quote “there is a lot more to human rights than just elections.” In general, your quotes seemed to stick out more with the edits. The story was much clearer because you focused on Alhallak and not the entire Syrian conflict, but you still had enough background that people unfamiliar with the conflict could follow. Good job!
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As part of his Sunday routine, Ammar Alhallak sat at his computer in Jonesboro, staring at the dark-blue Skype screen until a pixelated image of his father Nizar Alhallak appeared from Damascus, Syria, and the two CHATTED IN ARABIC.
YOU CAN ALMOST ALWAYS ELIMINATE THE VERB CONSTRUCTION ‘BEGAN TO’ OR ‘STARTED TO’ OR SOME SUCH. immediately began chattering in Arabic.
Despite the Syrian army patrolling the streets outside his father’s house and the distant pop of gunshots, only occasionally did the conversation turn to the civil war laying waste to the country. As the stronghold of President Bashar al-Assad’s regime, Damascus, the Syrian capital, remains relatively safe, and sometimes it feels like business as usual. Yet as Alhallak looked at his father, who has the same dark eyes, dark hair and olive-colored skin, he was thankful for his father’s safety. LEDE IS CLEARER. LACK OF A DATELINE INDICATES YOU WEREN’T IN JONESBORO, SO YOU NEED TO MAKE SURE THE READER UNDERSTANDS THIS CAME FROM INTERVIEWING HIM OVER THE PHONE, OR WHATEVER.
Unlike Damascus, several regions in Syria experience regular bombings and gunfire from government and jihadist forces. As a result, many people are trying to escape. More than 3 million Syrians have fled to neighboring countries and have been scattered across the globe, according to the United Nations High Commissioner for Refugees. GOOD
“It’s certainly sad,” Alhallak said. “It’s my country, and I feel sorry for the people there. The people are paying the price. There’s nothing we can do about it except just watch and feel bad.” GOOD QUOTE FOLLOWING UP NUT GRAF
More than 4,000 people have applied for resettlement in the U.S., but the Department of State only relocated 36 Syrians in fiscal year 2013, and 105 in fiscal year 2014, said Daniel Langenkamp, a spokesman for the Bureau of Population, Refugees and Migration.
The U.S. has only taken in a small number of refugees because of operational, not political, reasons, Langenkamp said. Officials from the UNHCR did not start referring a large number of Syrians to the U.S. until mid-2014, partly causing the low number of refugees approved for resettlement, he said.
However, U.S. officials focused on providing humanitarian aid, making it the largest single donor to the crisis, providing $2.4 billion, Langenkamp said. U.S. officials hoped that providing financial aid for repatriation programs in the Middle East would make it easier for Syrians to return home after the crisis, he said. Returning home is the preferred solution for most refugees, he said.
Yet many Syrians remain unhappy with the U.S refugee policy, especially when overcrowding, unemployment and poverty are rampant in Middle Eastern refugee camps. GOOD. TENSION IS MUCH CLEARER AND STORY IS MORE FOCUSSED.
“Syrians always had open arms for refugees, and they accommodated them,” said Mounir Farah, a 75-year-old Syrian and professor of Middle Eastern studies at the University of Arkansas. “The sad thing is when Syrians seek help elsewhere, they are put in tents and not allowed to go into the cities to find jobs.”
Given the lengthy application review process, which usually takes between 18-24 months, many Syrians approved for resettlement in the U.S. did not arrive in 2014. However, they will begin arriving in large numbers in 2015, Langenkamp said.
With U.S. bombings that began in September against Islamic militants, many more refugees could be on their way. The bombings have killed more than 500 people as of Oct. 23, MILITANTS AND CIVILIANS? according to the Syrian Observatory for Human Rights.
For Alhallak and other Syrian nationals living in the U.S., USUALLY SPELL OUT UNITED STATES WHEN USED AS A NOUN. THE ABBREVIATION CAN BE USED AS ADJECTIVE. LIKE U.S. AIR FORCE they can only watch from afar on impersonal computer and television screens as their people are scattered.
Alhallak, 50, was born in Damascus and moved to the U.S. in 1988 to continue his training as a cardiologist. He works at the Arkansas Methodist Medical Center near his home in Jonesboro and communicates regularly with his parents and two sisters living in Damascus. Though he used to visit his relatives with his wife and four children, the war quickly put a stop to his visits.
The Syria Alhallak remembers was a country that embodied the nickname of its capital, “the pearl of the East.” In the streets of Damascus, women browsed through brightly colored headscarves at outdoor markets, and friends traded the latest gossip while eating the traditional food kibbe at open-air restaurants. Canals from the Barada River flowed through the city to jasmine-scented orchards that surrounded the capital. Tourists and residents alike looked heavenward to admire the minarets from the city’s mosques.
But the war has made life harder. Prices have skyrocketed, sending the price of a kilogram of green beans from 70 cents before the war to more than $5, Farah said. Daily routines are disrupted by security checkpoints throughout the city, and large armies patrol the streets. At night, residents wrestle with sleep over the cacophony of gunshots and exploding bombs on the city’s outskirts.
In a war that has killed 50,000 civilians, Alhallak said he worries about his family’s safety. Ongoing political instability does little to ease his fears.
“The problem is you don’t know when the war is going to end or how it’s going to end,” he said. “You have an idea of what’s going to happen, but nobody knows how long it’s going to take or the price people are going to pay.”
Alhallak has asked his family several times to move to the U.S., but they’ve always declined, choosing to stay in their homeland with their family and friends.
“It’s an emotional roller coaster, but I can’t do anything about it,” Alhallak said. “It’s been hard, especially when I hear bad news, but I call and make sure they’re OK.”
Syrians have also struggled to accept U.S. intervention in the region.
“The U.S. really needs to rethink its policy in Syria,” Farah said. “It’s incoherent and illogical. We have no business telling Syria what government they can have. There is no democracy is Syria, but there are not democracies in many Middle Eastern countries. Free elections are used as the measuring tape of whether government is good or bad, but there is a lot more to human rights than just elections.” GOOD EXPERT SOURCE
However, as jihadists threaten to capture more territory in Syria, increased U.S. intervention has come to the grudging relief of some.
“People hate that somebody from the outside is bombing their country, but I think U.S. involvement has to be done,” Alhallak said. “There’s no way around it. ISIS is getting stronger and stronger, and I think they’ll be a threat to the whole world.”
In August, President Barack Obama said the U.S. military would not work with the Assad regime to defeat the Islamic militants, but many Syrians, like Farah, view this as an egregious mistake. If U.S. officials cooperated with Assad, they would receive help defeating the Islamic State while also preventing further destruction of Syria by the regime, Farah said.
“You work with the bad to defeat the worst,” he said. “We can’t defeat ISIS from the air, but we don’t want to send troops, so the only real reliable force is the Syrian army.”
Though many Syrians are at odds over how to end the war, defeat the extremists and maintain order, the majority share a sense of war weariness and a longing for peace.
“At this point we don’t care who wins,” Alhallak said. “We just want someone to control the country who will give the people a little bit of freedom. They want to go back to their homes.”
TERRIFIC REVISION. MUCH SHARPER FOCUS. NUT GRAF EXPLAINS POINT OF STORY CLEARLY AND GOOD SOURCES BACK IT UP, ON THE GROUND LEVEL AT JONESBORO AND AT GOVERNMENT LEVEL.
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